Showers

I don't look forward to old age. It's different to the feelings everyone associates with death when they think about that for the first (or last) time- contemplating their own mortality. That's something I think I've learned to accept with a degree of dignity. There is a lot to be said about how one might die- whether it be for any causes or in a respectable manner etc etc. In fact now that I think about it I don't think I'm properly considering the more humiliating deaths such as all those categories of dementia but anyway. Old age though is something that carries a more elusive stigma and burden, not only to you- as the case is with most deaths- but to others as well. Usually too, as we have probably all experienced at one point or other, to those closest to us.

I love my grandmother. She isn't someone who I hold a great deal of respect for or someone I hold in any kind of esteem but for some reason I just love her, and I always will I expect. Through knowing my grandmother better I noticed things I think I can attribute to old age more than I can attribute to any aspect of her personality. Things that would normally call for a violent response if they were coming from anyone but her- and maybe Aeon Flux- because of what I've noticed lately.

yesterday I asked her whether there were any problems with the hot water heater, having had a number of cooler than normal showers in the morning before uni. She assured me most convincingly, and very quickly (perhaps to quickly thinking about it) that she had checked it only recently and that it was running on its "highest setting!". "Oh, ok, thanks grandma" I said gratefully, clutching the towel against my shoulders, still shivering from my bout with the elements indoors, quite happy with my response. I was convinced. There obviously wasn't any problem with the hot water heater at all, it must be in my head. Perhaps I had contracted a bit of pneumonia and I just felt colder than usual... After a week had gone by and I had the morning off I decided to see if I could do something about the shower situation. At the heater I found, to my surprise, that it had been turned down. This kept the water at a lower temperature with the expense of less gas.

This is something that my grandmother would do. But this isn't my current hypothesis (that I would love some feedback on). In fact, this is something my whole family might do. I might even do it in summer- well I'd probably forget- and that is my hypothesis! I, and most other's would forget, or couldn't care less, about things like this and other menial tasks (light switches count too) which might save us a sum on our bills each quarter because we are to busy with our lives (which in this case, unfortunately, involve hot showers).

While I don't think it was my grandmothers intention to make waking up in the morning any harder for me than usual, I do think she turned the heater down on purpose, not because she forgot, not because she wanted to see if the buttons worked, not even because she had a genuine desire to save on the gas bill, but because she had nothing else to do. Our minds- young and old, dementia ridden or not, need to be occupied to a certain extent. Maybe in the absence of everyday life- jobs, families, responsibility, things like this become more important. They occupy a larger part of our world and are thus more important to us. Turning things like lights and heaters off after a certain time is at the very least something to do.

And while I'm reasonably sure I'll be having a hot shower tomorrow, I'm almost just as sure that, given enough time, I'll be waking up to the same cold one's I'll forever associate with my stay at grandma's. At least I know she's around.